I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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