i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
