When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
