Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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