I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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