i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
