# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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