stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
