Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
