My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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