if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
