JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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