Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
