i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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