i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
