oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
