On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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