Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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