i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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