I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize