I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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