You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
