So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
