on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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