that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
