If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
