You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
