when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
