Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
