I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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