I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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