listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
