Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
