so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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