Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
