I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
