cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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