The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
