I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
