I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's always time for handjobs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
