Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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