What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
