Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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