Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I need moral support for this bender
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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