you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
we're so committed to being not committed
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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