I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
