i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
