It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
