All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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