You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
