took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just pee around me
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
