My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
