I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize