I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
