Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
