Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
