omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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