I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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