literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't deserve a penis
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
