I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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