Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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