he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
