I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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