plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
