Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
