I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
