someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
