I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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