that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
