I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
