I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize