I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
